so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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