He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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