I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
