It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I could make wine with my vomit
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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