I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
