Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
