I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Found your dick twin last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
