my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
