I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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