yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yo dont text me then not text me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
