Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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