no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
