why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
