just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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