her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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