I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
