I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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