i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
