I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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