i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
