I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
