i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I cockslap morals
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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