Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
