There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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