Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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