Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
