She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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