I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
