Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
