the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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