those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
