i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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