Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
