I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
