If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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