someone threw a dead crab at me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
