i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
