I wish i was in the wii world.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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