I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
