You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
