toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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