Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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