Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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