Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
