R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
