Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
