I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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