i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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