were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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