I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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