those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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