Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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