think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
