Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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