True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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