I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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