I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
