chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
