also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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