I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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